


Longing and Nostalgia are Cousins

by MariahLacey42



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst, F/M, Ghosts We See, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Projection, but this is entirely in third person, it is technically a reader insert since the original is, its not a haikyuu character that "dies", this is a fanfiction of another fanfiction, those last two are just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariahLacey42/pseuds/MariahLacey42
Summary: He was never expected to fall in love with her, but he still might of if he had more time. Sadly, that wasn't an option, until another version of her shows up and turns his life upside down.ORA study of how Ushijima deals with the loss of his fiancee, especially when a ghost of her shows up in his lifeA fic inspired by Ghosts We See by Renesis
Relationships: Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	Longing and Nostalgia are Cousins

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Renesis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renesis/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Ghosts We See](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24838729) by [Renesis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renesis/pseuds/Renesis). 



> This work evolved from a desire to show my love and appreciation for Ghosts We See. It is the best Fanfiction I have ever read, and the world and characters involved inspire me so much.
> 
> Specifically, though, the title of this fic popped into my head and I felt like it described Ushijima's journey with MC so well. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Ushijima was never expected to fall in love with her. No one around him expected any feelings aside from duty to his kingdom in relation to this peasant girl with magic that holds such influence. He never even really took in what an engagement meant for them. It felt like something as far off as taking the throne for him, something inevitable yet fleeting, something that haunted him in nightmares or floated by in daydreams, nothing that lived in the realm of reality. 

They simply accepted their position. This engagement was a political and moral move for the people and if they were cordial and tolerated each other’s presence then the empire could continue as it always had. They were essentially business partners, Ushijima expected nothing else out of their relationship. But then she was so much more.

First, it was just the topics of their conversations. She was never content to keep the banter focused on her magic or their future or politics in any way. Instead, she would fix him with a bright gaze and a mischievous smile that changed her whole face and ask him what he would do if he wasn’t crown prince. She would talk about different types of creatures and ask what he thought of them. She would grab his hand and pull him along to their favorite plaza, with no regard for anyone around them. 

Then it was the way that she didn’t take anything too seriously. Of course, she was a stellar diplomat and a remarkable courtesan when required, but she also enjoyed pulling off her boots and splashing in the river, smiling back up at Ushijima and almost demanding a soft grin in return. 

Ushijima began to feel hopeful about their fuzzy yet inevitable union, ending up marrying a friend and helping the empire at the same time is one of the better outcomes he could have imagined. 

He even found himself blushing when she ran up to him and gave him one of her incredible hugs, the ones rarely given yet filled with enough firmness to show she is certain and enough softness to show she cares. He might not have called his feelings love at the time, but he may have in time.

But he didn’t have that time.

Right when they were on the edge of becoming something more, not dramatically, but naturally, just like everything between them, she disappeared. At first, her whereabouts were just unclear, and Ushijima naively hoped that this was just like the time she told him about when she ran away from the Aoba Castle just after she started her studies. Stifled by the unfamiliar situations, she slipped past the guards and spent the night under a tree, dappling moonlight on to her exposed legs. 

Bit by bit, as each search party came back empty, the sense of urgency bled out of the castle, making way for a dimness that enveloped everyone. Ushijima sometimes wonders if a hard answer would hurt more or less. If knowing that she died without a doubt would have let him get over it more completely, if it could have let him mourn instead of sitting in between, holding clinging on to the rough and flimsy hope that she still exists while staving off the deep and sharp pain that threatened to consume him from the inside out. 

But hold on he did, until his palms were rubbed raw and his chest no longer hurt like an icepick in his sternum and instead weighed him down with a dark weight that never seemed to leave. He lived with that discomfort (he can’t call it pain when it’s so dulled like this) for so long that it either started to fade or he just adapted to life. He went back to his normal routine, plodding through the streets that she used to skip through, fighting himself on whether he should smile fondly or break down in tears at the thought of her smile. 

He can’t quite say he ever entirely gave up hope that she could one day walk through the doors of his castle. That maybe he would visit the Aoba castle and she would run up to him with a wink and a tight hug like this was all one of her jokes. 

Maybe that’s why Ushijima was so willing to believe that he saw her in the courtyard after a long diplomatic meeting. Maybe it’s why he was instantly overwhelmed with so much soft, nostalgic energy that he had to go and hug her, his logical mind lagging behind the child inside him that just wanted to embrace her again. 

Maybe that’s why it hurt so much to hear that this girl was not his fiancee, that she just so happened to be an alternate from another world. It felt like after holding onto hope for so long, he finally relaxed and instead of a relief finding him, he fell backward into an abyss, flailing his arms uselessly in hopes of finding something else to hold onto. 

Of course, he ignored the freefall that day, pushed away the pain and unintentional betrayal to continue the proceedings. He was there as the crown prince of the empire, not as her fiance. He hasn’t been the latter in a while and couldn’t allow himself to slip back into it now. Not when it would hurt so much. 

But of course, it couldn’t be that easy. He couldn’t just find out the truth, work out a solution and leave the beautiful ghost behind along with all the golden tinted memories she brought back. The best thing for everyone was the certainty that seeing her heal Taichi would bring, so Ushijima was forced to bring her with him back to the Empire, back to the places that he once walked with his fiancee and friend. 

He couldn’t help but be nice to her. This version of his dear had done nothing to hurt him. She was out of her comfort zone, a literal world away from home, and him showing how hard it was to talk with her wouldn’t help either of them. Though, to be completely honest, it wasn’t hard to talk to her. It felt so easy that he was teleported back to happy days strolling castle grounds, a mirror image superimposed over her easy smile. It felt so easy that he tosses and turns at night, berating himself for getting lost in the past. He constantly has to remind himself that they are two different people, as much as they both make him feel at ease. 

She also finds the right topics for their conversations. She teases stories and laughs out of Ushijima without any effort, and spills her own doubts and troubles to him without a bit of hesitation. Why? Why does she have to be so lovely? Why can’t she just let his memories stay painful but numb, instead of injecting this bittersweet energy into things he thought he forgot, or at least ignored. 

He finds it hard to breathe around her. Normally that expression is used for infatuation, for nerves related to love. And it may well be that, but there’s also a part of him, a part he’s tried so hard to ignore, that sees her face and screams in pain. He hates to admit it, but being with this girl, this echo of his past, makes him so happy that it makes him sad again. So carefree that his memories find a way to wiggle down his neck to his chest and stomach to make him feel sick, to make him feel like he’s being stabbed by her ghost. 

He hates feeling this way because all his memories of his fiancee are happy. They should make him happy. She was a freeing presence in his life, easy and stabilizing when he needed it the most. Why now are those happy memories boring a hole in his chest? Why now does nostalgia for easier times hurt so much?

And then sometimes he dreams and sees her face, laughs with her on the bridge, and holds her tight, before waking up unsure of which version he longs for. In his half-asleep delirium, he allows himself to truly feel the loss, drifting away to a stinging behind his eyes, and a beautiful picture in his head that hurts so much that he lets a single sob echo through the pitifully empty chamber.

The next day he talks and laughs with her. He meets with Oikawa and the others to discuss more logistics, ignoring the pain that seeing her smile makes him feel. Because no one expects him to fall in love with her, and Ushijima won’t let himself lose someone else he loves. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! I know it really is for a niche audience, but I got a lot out of writing it. It was a very cathartic experience that allowed me to express things about my own grieving process that I don't usually let myself acknowledge. 
> 
> Please go check out Ghosts We See if you haven't already! I cannot recommend it enough for what a beautiful piece of literature it is. 
> 
> And let me know what you thought of this! It's far from perfect, but there are some lines and sections that I'm super proud of.


End file.
